The Sephiroth and Kuja Show
by nickbrown
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if the two most evil baddies from FF VII & IX host a talk show? No? Well don't click here then...


This story is my (Nick's) first attmept at fan-fiction. I would like to also agnowledge my co-author Simon here. Thank you Simon. And Alex who showed me the site in the first place. I would finally like to thank MR Square personally for creating such wonderful characters which I do not have legal authority over.  
  
Please read and reply, it'll help Simon sleep better at night. Even if the ony thing you can type is fish please R&R. So with out further ado....  
  
  
  
With the help of a few moogles, a Fire3 spell and some magic boots it's...  
  
The Sephiroth and Kujaaaaaaaaaaa Show!  
  
(We join a small studio audience in a cheesy studio)  
  
Announcer: Let's welcome our hosts...the leader of evil, the master of darkness Sephiroth,  
  
(Sephiroth in his evil leather get-up with his huge sword enters the studio)  
  
Announcer... and the pincher of sensitive places Kujaaaaaa!  
  
(Kuja walks in, wearing a ridiculous white strappy thing and smiles and waves to the audience)  
  
Sephiroth: Welcome one and all to this unique event. They wanted entertainment, they wanted talk shows, they wanted guests but most of all they wanted the two most evil bad guys in the whole world.... well they got me and teamed me up with a man so disturbing he even frightens me...Kuja  
  
Kuja: Hi everybody! I love you all. Heeheehee  
  
Sephiroth: Good God. What an amateur  
  
Kuja: Heyy, I'm famous too you know, I'll go down in history  
  
Sephiroth: You'll go down in Geography and PE too.  
  
Kuja: Heeheehee I like PE.  
  
Sephiroth: ARGHHHHH. Just introduce the first guest before I destroy a small village.  
  
Kuja: Let's give a huge S&K welcome to the sorceress who wanted to create time compression only to be stopped by a bunch of SeeD's, Sorceress Ultimecia!  
  
(Two Knights of Pluto accompany Ultimecia out. She comes onto the stage and takes a seat opposite our hosts)  
  
Ultimecia: Hello everyone. Thank you for invitink me on the show.  
  
Sephiroth: Pleasure  
  
Kuja: Can I just draw your attention to the two Knights of Pluto recently made unemployed but we got them here on the show.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh God I can't believe I'm saying this.... ahem. Yes! And one of them is called Ian Divinda!  
  
Kuja: No he's not! He's a German dog, called Howard Much! So everyone together now...  
  
Howard Much is that dog Ian Divida!  
  
The one with the waggly tail.  
  
(Silence)  
  
Sephiroth: And who exactly writes this stuff?  
  
Cid: I %^&$ do so don't ^&*@$ have a $%^^* go at me  
  
Ultimecia: Headmaster Kid? How much you've changed!  
  
Sephiroth: No, this is Rocket Town Cid. And now he's going to die...  
In our new slot...KILL CID! Yes folks you can choose if Cid dies or an alternative cast member dies  
  
Kuja: Today, do you want Cid to die? Or.... Zell Dincht! Press your buttons now  
  
Sephiroth: (under his breath) ZellZellZellZellZellZell  
  
(The audience vote using electronic keypads)  
  
Kuja: Well since we have Ultimecia who we'll be chatting to in a while, why not let her do the honours?  
  
(Cid and Zell are lowered down to the studio in cages. Ultimecia stands up and readies her most evil spell)  
  
Sephiroth: The winner of the vote is...  
  
Ultimecia: SeeD! SeeD! SeeD! Nooooooooo  
  
(In a fit of violent rage Ultimecia fires The End at Zell. Zell disappears)  
  
Sephiroth: ...Cid. Oh well, Zell's dead! Hurrah! Nice The End there Ultimecia  
  
Ultimecia: Thank you  
  
Kuja: Anyway, back to what we were saying, Ultimecia, why exactly did you want to cause time compression??  
  
Ultimecia: Well, I was thinkink that it would be possible to...  
  
(Ultimecia peters out)  
  
Sephiroth: Yes....  
  
Kuja: Sorry, stage hand Quistis, can we get the lady a glass of water, I think she has a bad throat  
  
Sephiroth: (Whispers) No, that's her accent  
  
Kuja: Oh  
  
Ultimecia: (Clears throat loudly)  
  
Sephiroth: Sorry, you were saying  
  
Ultimecia: Well, I wasn't really sure why I wanted to cause time kompression  
  
(Kuja looks confused)  
  
Ultimecia: Basically, I despise SeeDs   
  
(Quistis runs on stage)  
  
Ultimecia: Argh, SeeD!!!!  
  
(Kuja leaps up and performs his Ultima spell, knocking out Ultimecia)  
  
Kuja: I'm sorry; we do not allow more than one killing a night  
  
Sephiroth: What did you do that for you idiot??  
  
Kuja: Can we have someone to get rid of her please?? Tifa, can you transport her on your breasts??  
  
(Tifa walks in, chest jiggling like a stormy sea)  
  
Kuja: Thank you  
  
Sephiroth: Now its time for....  
  
(Drum roll)  
  
Sephiroth: The Wheel of Evil  
  
Kuja: Now, just in case you haven't heard of the game before, its like Wheel of Fortune, but different  
  
Sephiroth: Yes, round the wheel there are signs of spells  
  
Kuja: Almost like *his* battle square wheels  
  
(His said with a hint of disdain)  
  
Sephiroth: When the contestants spin the wheel, they will have the chance to guess a letter  
  
Kuja: The contestants will then have their letter displayed, and our helpful, and near beautiful assistant, Yuffie will display the letters!  
  
Sephiroth: This will then display a phrase from one of our games (or hers)  
  
(More disdain on hers)  
  
Kuja: Lets welcome our contestants, from Final Fantasy VII...  
  
Sephiroth: Its (The Black fool) Barrett!!!!  
  
Kuja: From Final Fantasy VIII  
  
Sephiroth: Its (stupid stage hand and train girl) Selphie!!!!  
  
Selphie: Hee hee, Mr T!!  
  
Barrett: Urghhhh!!!  
  
Kuja: (Hastily) From Final Fantasy IX  
  
Sephiroth: Its (little black mage squirt) Vivi  
  
Kuja: Where is he??  
  
Vivi: I'm down here, I can't actually see anything  
  
(Kuja and Sephiroth look at each other, doubt on their faces)  
  
(Quistis runs in with a little platform, Vivi rises into view)  
  
Kuja: And now to begin  
  
Sephiroth: My first question is: Which weapon was missing from Final Fantasy VII  
  
Selphie: Ooh, I know, I know!!  
  
Sephiroth: Selphie  
  
Selphie: Was it...Emerald  
  
Sephiroth: No, Emerald swam under the sea  
  
Selphie: Oops (giggles)  
  
Sephiroth: The answer was Sapphire. Next question  
  
Kuja: Who was the villain throughout Final Fantasy VIII?  
  
Vivi: Edea  
  
Kuja: Yes Vivi, spin the wheel!!  
  
Vivi: I can't reach  
  
(Quistis runs on and spins the wheel)  
  
Kuja: Well Vivi, you've landed on Comet  
  
Vivi: What ha...happens if I get the letter right  
  
Kuja: We won't do anything, remember, the phrase is from Final Fantasy VII  
  
Vivi: Can I have A please?  
  
(Yuffie runs up and down the board, and turns around two letter As)  
  
___A__ __ ___ _A___  
  
Vivi: Phew  
  
Kuja: Well Vivi, you managed to get two letter As, that means.........a spell!!!  
  
Vivi: (Groans)  
  
Sephiroth: Yes, what Kuja forgot to mention was that you need three letters or more to avoid the spell!!  
  
Kuja: Comet!!!!!!!!  
  
(A huge comet comes from nowhere, and leaves no destruction behind it, except to Vivi. Kuja puts his little finger to his mouth in a fit of delight.)  
  
Kuja: Heeheehee  
  
Sephiroth: Well now, it's Barrett's turn to spin the wheel.  
  
(Sephiroth gives Barrett an evil stare. Barrett spins the wheel.)  
  
Kuja: It's...Summon Ifrit!  
  
Barrett: I'll take a T please foo.  
  
___AT_ __ _A_T_  
  
Sephiroth: Aha! Again only two letters. Well it's time to summon, from the pit of hell; he's that lord of fire, prince of flames...  
  
(By the Sephiroth has finished introducing Ifrit he turns round to find Kuja summoning Ifrit too.)  
  
Sephiroth: What the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
Kuja: Summoning Ifrit, heeheehee, he's a beast.  
  
Sephiroth: But I'M summoning Ifrit!  
  
Kuja: But mine's better animated!  
  
Sephiroth: But in Final Fantasy IX summons are so weak compared to the Final Fantasy VII ones. Anyway I thought only girls could summon in FFIX...  
  
Kuja: Well, erm er, oh I don't want to play this stupid game no more. Because you know what? The final phrase? It had no letters that repeated 3 times! Everyone's a loser.  
  
Sephiroth: What? You just told them the evil plan fool. I can't work with this idiot.  
  
(Kuja storms off stage. Sephiroth looks at the contestants who are now rather scared. He scowls and turns to go back to his seat. As he turns his scabbard holding his sword hits the wheel and it rotates, landing on Silver Dragon...)  
  
Vivi: Nooooooo  
  
Selphie: Oh no, where are my nunchucks when I need them?  
  
Barrett: If only I hadn't replaced my gun arm with a dremel multi. Dammit.  
  
(The camera pans left back to the interview area as Kuja's pet silver dragon called Silver Dragon mauls and eats the contestants.  
  
Sephiroth: Well, I'm sorry folks. I've received word that Kuja is crying like a baby in the girl's toilets. Baby. Yes like a baby, baby...  
  
(Flashback to Sephiroth's youth).  
  
Mini Sephiroth: But why won't you hug me Daddy?  
  
Vincent: I'm just a secret character son. I haven't been discovered yet.  
  
JENOVA: Now be a good boy and eat up your vegetables.  
  
(End of flashback.)  
  
Kuja: Hey, I heard that, not a baby, just a small child. But I'm going back to make-up now; I'll be back in a sec  
  
(Pause for a few seconds, everyone listens intensely)  
  
Kuja: Argh, its you!!!!  
  
(Kuja comes running in, looking petrified)  
  
Sephiroth: What, what is it????  
  
Kuja: Its Cloud  
  
Barrett: That foo', he's nutin to be worried 'bout, 'jes be yerself  
  
Kuja: That's what I'm worried about, I mean, someone who is almost as poofy as me!!!!  
  
(Sephiroth starts to draw his sword)  
  
Kuja: No, we'll summon Silver Dragon, my aptly named Silver Dragon!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Do we have tooooooo???  
  
Kuja: Yes, the wheel says so  
  
(Kuja waves his arms around, and a silver dragon materialises)  
  
Kuja: Go Silver Dragon, destroy him  
  
Sephiroth: Moving on quickly  
  
Kuja: Now we have our music spot!!  
  
Sephiroth: Yes, this week we have Fujin and Raijin  
  
Kuja: That's right, the new band formed by the two people you know and love, Fujin and Raijin, and we have them in for an interview and to sing their latest song for us  
  
Sephiroth: Give a warm welcome to Fujin and Raijin  
  
Fujin: RAGE!!  
  
Raijin: Yeah, hi, ya know  
  
Kuja: What made you decide to form a band  
  
Fujin: SEIFER  
  
Raijin: Yeah, it was all his idea, ya know  
  
Sephiroth: How was it?  
  
Fujin: RAGE!!  
  
Raijin: She gets angry when people mention Seifer or question his actions, ya know  
  
Kuja: Ok then  
  
Sephiroth: Well, do you think you'll do well as a band?  
  
Raijin: Yes, we think so, ya know  
  
Fujin: SONG!!  
  
Raijin: Yeah, our first song is called "RAGE!! Ya Know??" Ya know  
  
Sephiroth: Ok then  
  
Kuja: Here, with their debut single, its Fujin and Raijin with "RAGE!! Ya Know??"  
  
(Fujin and Raijin proceed with their song, which is awful)  
  
(The audience clap politely, along with Sephiroth and Kuja)  
  
Fujin: RAGE!!  
  
Kuja: Thank you and goodbye  
  
Sephiroth: Everybody, Fujin and Raijin  
  
Kuja: I wonder what's happening back stage between Silver Dragon and Cloud  
  
Sephiroth: I believe we may be about to find out  
  
Kuja: Oh no. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You...you...killed Silver Dragon  
  
Sephiroth: Let me handle this  
  
(Assume battle positions)  
  
(Pause, the audience are all vividly staring at the screen above Sephiroth and Cloud's heads)  
  
(After a minute or so)  
  
Kuja: (To Sephiroth) Go on then, your time bar was full ages ago  
  
Sephiroth: Hang on, he has to do his limit break first, you know the really deadly almost impossible to get one  
  
Kuja: Oh stuff this. ULTIMA!!!!!!  
  
(Cloud is rendered unconscious)  
  
Cloud: Uh.........  
  
Sephiroth: No damn you!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Sephiroth stabs Cloud through the chest, similar to Aeris)  
  
Kuja: Ok, moving on  
  
Sephiroth: (Regains composure) Yes, now its time for our Fake Magic slot  
  
Kuja: This will be our weekly slot where we invite a guest to come in to talk about their brand of magic; we then challenge them to a magic duel to see how well they do, with their "magic"  
  
Sephiroth: Today, we have got in a mister Harry Potter  
  
Kuja: I believe he is well known out in the world, there have been books written about him apparently  
  
Sephiroth: So give a big hand to Harry Potter!!!  
  
(A small boy enters stage right and takes a seat, near Sephiroth and Kuja)  
  
Kuja: Mr Potter, you are classed as a magician, correct?  
  
HP: Yes  
  
Sephiroth: And what type of magic do you perform?  
  
HP: What I'm taught  
  
Kuja: And what's that  
  
HP: Oh, all sorts, Care for Magical Creatures  
  
Sephiroth: (Interrupting) But that's not magic!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja: Yeah, this is magic, (Shouts) bring in Red XIII!!  
  
(Red XIII walks in a sits centre stage)  
  
Kuja: Fire!!!  
  
(A ball of fire engulfs Red XIII, Harry looks shocked)  
  
Harry: But I can do that too, a basic charm  
  
(Sephiroth and Kuja look, mystified, at Harry)  
  
Harry: Incendio!!!   
  
(A column of fire shoots from Harry's wand towards Red XIII)  
  
(The audience gasp)  
  
Sephiroth: B..B..But we were told you couldn't perform magic  
  
Harry: Well, only if I have this  
  
(Harry brandishes wand)  
  
Kuja: What is it?  
  
Harry: It's my wand, holly and phoenix feather, 11 inches, nice and supple  
  
Sephiroth: (Looks outraged) Wand!!!!!!!!!!! You don't need that to do magic, can you not just use your finger, like this??  
  
(Sephiroth points at Red XIII and he is engulfed in flames, for the third time)  
  
Red XIII: Ok, I'm leaving  
  
(Red XIII stalks off stage)  
  
Kuja: Now its time for our duel, who will win, Kuja, master of magic and evil spells, or "Harry Potter" a so-called wizard  
  
(Kuja and HP approach a ring in the middle of the stage and prepare to duel)  
  
Kuja: Bolt3!!!!!  
  
HP: Stupefy!!  
  
Kuja: Bwahahahahahaha, your puny spells will not work against me!  
  
HP: But I don't understand, it was working a second ago  
  
Kuja: Ultima!!!!!!!!!  
  
(HP is rendered unconscious and removed from stage)  
  
Sephiroth: Congratulations Kuja, but it wouldn't have been hard, I removed his phoenix feather when he wasn't looking, I left it in his dressing room, and locked the door behind him  
  
Kuja: Heehee, Sephiroth, you're so evil  
  
Sephiroth: I know, but get on with the show, failure!!  
  
Kuja: Now for our finale, we are going to have an interview with one of our best-loved characters   
  
Sephiroth: Hey, I don't love him, you do  
  
(Kuja blushes)  
  
Kuja: Moving on, we're going to interview Zidane!!!!!  
  
(Zidane walks on stage, and takes a seat)  
  
Kuja: Ooh, Zidane, have you got your tail in your pocket??  
  
Zidane: No, I'm just pleased to see you Kuja  
  
Kuja: Yes, well, we'll talk afterwards  
  
(Both Zidane and Kuja blush)  
  
Sephiroth: Anyway, Zidane, what inspired you to go after Kuja throughout the game?  
  
Zidane: Well, he was destroying cities, even my hometown!  
  
Kuja: But you were created in Bran Bul like me  
  
Zidane: Well...  
  
Sephiroth: And why did you kidnap Princess Garnet anyway?  
  
Zidane: I dunno, it wasn't my idea!!  
  
Kuja: Why did you go along with it then??  
  
Zidane: Because they made me, they said I wouldn't be allowed anymore little children if I didn't  
  
(Zidane breaks out in tears)  
  
Sephiroth: Do you think your plan was successful in the end??  
  
Zidane: (Sobs) Yes, but what was that Crystal think at the end all about??  
  
Kuja: Don't ask me, I was only guarding it!!  
  
Sephiroth: Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for  
  
Kuja: I'm afraid it is, thank you for being excellent viewers, but we have to go now, this studio is booked for the cast of Zelda next  
  
Sephiroth: Amateur!!!!!  
  
Kuja: Goodbye!!!!  
  
(The cast of Zelda burst through the doors, Link playing extremely high pitched music on an "ocarina", Princess Zelda looking worried, and extraordinarily masculine, and Princess Zelda's guardian leaping around and acting almost as if she is James Bond, before throwing a little capsule and vanishing  
  
Sephiroth: Bye!!!!!  
  
Kuja: Bye byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
  
Sephiroth: Amateur!!!!!!!  
  
  
---Written by...  
  
Nick Brown - Sephiroth  
Simon Jewels - Kuja 


End file.
